4 AM Confessions

The truth is, I really wanted to talk to you — been wanting to talk to you for quite some time now. To apologize. To set things straight for the good. To say the things that have been left unsaid for too long. But really, mainly, to apologize sincerely. To admit to you my mistakes, to own up to the damage it has caused you, and to accept what you have to say. I’m not expecting you to forgive me easily (or ever), but the truth is, I wanted to try to settle things. If it goes well, then good. If not, at least I tried.

The truth is, I found out a bit late what was going on, when I heard some words passively, indirectly directed towards me. You caught me at a time when I had no one beside me, and you took advantage of this vulnerability.

The truth is, I got hurt. Your timing was perfect, your plan to belittle me and shrink me worked. I’ve never felt so uncomfortable in so long, the last time being a similar situation some years ago. I felt bullied and I know that that was what you meant to do.

The truth is, I didn’t expect you to be hostile. Indifferent, yes. To pick on me, no. But I guess I deserved it — I do deserve it. You haven’t let it out towards me in so long, awhile ago was the best time to do so. 

The truth is, you can have them all. You see, I’ve been gone for a while. Awhile ago, I got so excited to see my old friends again. But knowing how this won’t ever be okay, seeing that even after 2 years, even when I have no interest anymore whatsoever, you corner me…… Well, I’m staying away. From all of them. I can never spend time with my other friends in that circle because they just happen to be his friends, too. So, you can have them.

The truth is, because of what happened, I now know who my real friend/s is/are. That situation made me realize who’s got my back at all times. So thank you for doing what you did, because I now know who I can always depend on.

The truth is, I give up. You win. You’ve taken away not just one friend, but the whole circle. And I’m left with nothing.

…….Nothing but the realization that I can actually live with that. That I can live without your forgiveness. With better friends. With better circumstances.

The truth is, I wanted to talk to you and apologize to you. But now, I will just pray for you and your happiness — that you find or continue to have genuine happiness in your life without needing the satisfaction of getting even to validate it.

The truth is all of this. And this is all I want to say.

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